Sticking to the Point

Finding Water: the finale and Walking in this World

The last chapter in Finding Water nurtures, encouraging each of us to continue the morning pages, continue walking and continue weekly artist dates. The point is to continue to nurture yourself as you explore your creativity and know that each of us has it within ourselves to be creative, even when faced with obstacles and critics, life changes and even monotony. 

'What I did have, which others perhaps didn't, was a capacity for sticking at it, which really is the point, not the talent at all. You have to stick at it.'

-Doris Lessing

I didn't have any expectations of what the outcome would be when this journey ended. I've found a creative voice in taking photos, something I'll continue to do and explore, something I now love. I'm planning to  I'm start Walking in this World on Saturday, June 2nd. I've created a blog so it's easier for those who join, to follow along. Neen, Jen, Angela, Nina and Kristine expressed interest, anyone else?

The last divining rod suggests we find a symbolic gift for ourselves, something that reminds us of the artist we've uncovered and become. Cameron gives the example of a dragon, 'The dragon is the Chinese symbol for creativity...there are as many symbols of creativity as there are forms of creativity. select the symbol that speaks most clearly to your heart'.

For me this is the best possible ending, a talisman to remind me of how far I've come.

My last artist date in the city...

TILT - lets try this again

For some reason this post this morning wasn't allowing comments, so I'm trying again.

Finding Water week eleven found me writing my morning pages less, haphazardly putting together an artist date by watching a movie during the day (quite decadent) and fudging my walk to fit into the daily after school pick-up that I walk anyway.

Michelle has declared a challenge for May, M.O.M. which I decided to join along. It will be a nice way to continue taking care of myself once the FW journey is complete; finding a way through my busy life with smallness, just as Cameron suggested. That's not to say that I see myself as small, anything but. By breaking down the vast experiences we hope to accomplish in life, making them small and more attainable, we are able to work through inertia, fear and any of the other hinderances that block our creativity; another tool to rejuvenate and actualize our unique and creative spirits.

The divining rod on page 243 asks,

'take a pen in hand. you are asked to witness your own transformation...'

have you reorganized your living space?  Yes and no. There is so much more I can do.

have you thrown anything away? Again, I started the process but need to have more follow-thru. Especially with a dumpster in my front yard, there is no time like the present.

has your color sense shifted? Absolutely.

do you find yourself being more plainspoken? I've always said it like it is, but I find myself able to say what I need to say without being so emotionally attached to how the other person will see me after I've spoken.

have their been any shifts in your intimate relationship? I'm trying to be more patient and less judgemental. I'm trying to be less critical and more open to communication, especially when I'm tired and stressed. I'll say it again, being married is damn hard but it's worth the effort, that's become more apparent in these past three months.

have you experienced any shift in your energy? Yes. I find myself more energized and able to handle the day-to-day but that has more to do with the relenquished question than the walks.

have you experienced a weight gain or loss?  A bit of a loss, skating will do that for you.

have you relenquished - or seriously thought about relenquishing - any other 'bad' habits? When this journey first started, I thought about my crutch and wondered what would happen, if I'd come to the realization that it wasn't working for me anymore. And here I am at the end of this 3 month journey and I can say, yes.

are you conscious of having more choices in your daily life? I'm conscious that the choices that have always been available to me are more accessible. I'm not as hesitant to ask for what I need and take it. I'm not as guilt-ridden when I need to nurture myself. I needed those 36 hours and even though the calls from home included tears and anguish from A and frustrated impatience from M, I was able to let it go.

has your relationship to a higher power altered? Not really. Admittedly, this portion of the book hasn't resonated with me but I respect Julie Cameron's relationship and need for that relationship. I think we all get what we need from the universe, we all just have a different way of asking.

are you more comfortable with your spirituality? Is it more a fact of your everyday life? I've never doubted my comfort level with my spirituality, it permeates my being and therefore is my everyday life.

This is the last week for our Finding Water  group and I feel bittersweet about this ending. Never one to embrace change, especially when so much change is happening in my home, I want more. I've picked up Walking In This World and want to start this book in June. I'd love a virtual partner(s), does anyone want to join me? Come on, you know you want to. You might find your inner writer, photographer, collaging, embroidering, sewing, painting self. Come play.

For some reason this post this morning wasn't allowing comments, so I'm trying again.

Finding Water week eleven found me writing my morning pages less, haphazardly putting together an artist date by watching a movie during the day (quite decadent) and fudging my walk to fit into the daily after school pick-up that I walk anyway.

Michelle has declared a challenge for May, M.O.M. which I decided to join along. It will be a nice way to continue taking care of myself once the FW journey is complete; finding a way through my busy life with smallness, just as Cameron suggested. That's not to say that I see myself as small, anything but. By breaking down the vast experiences we hope to accomplish in life, making them small and more attainable, we are able to work through inertia, fear and any of the other hinderances that block our creativity; another tool to rejuvenate and actualize our unique and creative spirits.

The divining rod on page 243 asks,

'take a pen in hand. you are asked to witness your own transformation...'

have you reorganized your living space?  Yes and no. There is so much more I can do.

have you thrown anything away? Again, I started the process but need to have more follow-thru. Especially with a dumpster in my front yard, there is no time like the present.

has your color sense shifted? Absolutely.

do you find yourself being more plainspoken? I've always said it like it is, but I find myself able to say what I need to say without being so emotionally attached to how the other person will see me after I've spoken.

have their been any shifts in your intimate relationship? I'm trying to be more patient and less judgemental. I'm trying to be less critical and more open to communication, especially when I'm tired and stressed. I'll say it again, being married is damn hard but it's worth the effort, that's become more apparent in these past three months.

have you experienced any shift in your energy? Yes. I find myself more energized and able to handle the day-to-day but that has more to do with the relenquished question than the walks.

have you experienced a weight gain or loss?  A bit of a loss, skating will do that for you.

have you relenquished - or seriously thought about relenquishing - any other 'bad' habits? When this journey first started, I thought about my crutch and wondered what would happen, if I'd come to the realization that it wasn't working for me anymore. And here I am at the end of this 3 month journey and I can say, yes.

are you conscious of having more choices in your daily life? I'm conscious that the choices that have always been available to me are more accessible. I'm not as hesitant to ask for what I need and take it. I'm not as guilt-ridden when I need to nurture myself. I needed those 36 hours and even though the calls from home included tears and anguish from A and frustrated impatience from M, I was able to let it go.

has your relationship to a higher power altered? Not really. Admittedly, this portion of the book hasn't resonated with me but I respect Julie Cameron's relationship and need for that relationship. I think we all get what we need from the universe, we all just have a different way of asking.

are you more comfortable with your spirituality? Is it more a fact of your everyday life? I've never doubted my comfort level with my spirituality, it permeates my being and therefore is my everyday life.

This is the last week for our Finding Water  group and I feel bittersweet about this ending. Never one to embrace change, especially when so much change is happening in my home, I want more. I've picked up Walking In This World and want to start this book in June. I'd love a virtual partner(s), does anyone want to join me? Come on, you know you want to. You might find your inner writer, photographer, collaging, embroidering, sewing, painting self. Come play.

Finding Water: week 10

This week's theme, uncovering a sense of safety, wasn't a favorite. I found myself struggling with my morning pages, ( i wrote 5 out of 7 days), and I struggled with the divining rods. Looking back through the chapter as I write this, I realize that much of what Cameron wrote resonated with me, especially the paragraphs where she reminds us to take risks.

'how do we know when a risk is right for us? we must learn to listen to the heart and not the head. the head is full of second thoughts and second-guessing. it will arrive at a thousand reasons that we should not risk.'

Even beyond being artistic, risk-taking is scary for me. I'm a nomad in my heart, but in reality, I'm rooted in routine and find change extremely difficult. When I began this journey ten weeks ago, I didn't have a set purpose or goal. I began with an open mind and heart, waiting to see what would unfold.

Ten weeks later, I've found that I enjoy taking photos, something I never thought I could do. Trust me when I say I took shitty photos in my past; it was the joke in this house that the camera should not be given to me because the shot would be out of focus and your head, most likely cut off (sometimes that's a good thing). Once I went digital, everything changed. Looking through the screen, I can get the shot and my eyes are now trained to see the world differently. I wouldn't have found that if it weren't for this journey.

I've also found that I enjoy writing even though I'm uncertain where that will take me. I enjoy processing my feelings and thoughts here and have been invited to join an online writing group by a friend whose work I greatly admire. At first I back pedaled, I shouldn't be part of a writing group, but my friend insisted that I was the first person she thought of and I was flattered. Thinking about the writing group and being creative in general, why can't I be a writer or a photographer or call myself an artist? I can make and shoot and write without being attached to an outcome, I can do these things because they give me joy. What better way to express myself than in doing something joyful?

'we must risk expanding our territory - and we will survive if we are shot down for it...it is for this reason that our reward must lie in the risk itself, in the self-esteem we feel for undertaking it...we may have rueful laughter at the chances we took but we will not have regrets.'

An impromptu artist date in the city

Last Sunday, I made my monthly visit into the city to give a friend acupuncture. Ever since I closed my practice in NY, I've been treking back in for this appointment in his sweet, penthouse apartment. I get to visit with his wife while my needles do their magic and it also affords me an opportunity to get into the city on a regular basis.

Arriving in Manhattan early Sunday morning is a gift. Too early for the crowds and swarms, the city is peaceful and with the warmer temperatures, I decided to walk the 2 miles to their apartment, camera in hand.

Finding Water: week 9

This week's chapter was all about a sense of perspective. The big picture and minutae, each has its place. Perspective allows us to see the forest for the trees, knowing our place and how we fit in.  Cameron writes,

'when we compare ourselves to others rather than to ourselves, we come up lacking. There is always someone who has achieved more of what we desire. Sick at heart, truly soul sick, we forget to count our blessings. We may not see that we have any to count'.

Word sister.

This past week has been a pity party, even if it didn't start off as such. Having that car accident really sent me into a tail spin, spiraling out of control. Control you see, is always my issue. If I can't control it, I'll go visit old demons that throw Kiki under the bus, fast.

Look at your saggy ass. Why can't you get your sagging ass to the gym. Look at your stomach, what a tub of goo. You want to feel good in your skin, how is that possible sitting on your soggy ass all the live long day....'  The litany, oh the litany.

I know where this comes from. It's not the accident, although that was a catalyst for my own despair, hovering, crouching, waiting. You see, I've been experiencing my own, self-imposed detox, laying to rest a crutch that I've relied on for years. A crutch that was seemingly brilliant in the beginning (they always are), turning into a soured reliance that rationally I recognized wasn't helping me anymore, as if it ever was.

This week, I've been talking a lot to God, asking for help and asking myself to remain strong. I know I'm strong, but crutches are there to tempt and tease, luring me to believe otherwise. My crutch was my lifeboat with a heavy leak. Adrift, the leak went unnoticed until it was too late and I couldn't get back. This time, I remembered. This time I didn't heed the cry for 'all aboard'.

In this week's chapter, perspective is found in the slow and steady. By doing a little, there is momentum forward. By taking life one day at a time, I've faced my fears; exploring the uncomfortable with feeling, instead of in hiding.

I wrote my morning pages four days out of seven. I read the chapter and I worked the divining rods in the book and in my journal. I took my artist date by watching a corny film that made me smile, afterwards running to the computer so I could score a copy of my own.

I've begun to believe in myself. Crutchless, I didn't know if I'd like what I found, if the crankiness and the moodiness would stay permanently. It's a numbers game. Each day that passes is one more day that I've succeeded and with that comes a heady feeling of trusting in myself and my strength. Each day my mood lightens and I can see, exactly who I am.

'It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;  what is essential is invisible to the eye.'

-ANTOINE DE SAINT EXUPERY

Finding Water: Week 8

Only one month left of Finding Water. Hard to believe how time passes in a blink of an eye and yet, time passing can be endless.

I wrote my morning pages six out of seven days and again, the day I skipped was for no good reason other than I didn't write first thing and the day slipped away. The writing is good for me. No significant epiphany happening, but the ritual of showing up to the pages has brought a nice continuity to my day and I find something missing when I don't.

My artist date this week didn't feel like an artist date, but I know that taking time for yourself to experience something luxurious and decadent is what the weekly dates are about. At the gentle urging of the woman that takes care of my hairy self, I went for a facial on Wednesday, my first in at least fifteen years. Of course my skin doesn't look fresh and dewy, more like a road-map with red, angry mountain peaks. This is what I can expect with a facial, and probably the reason I don't have them regularly (that and the steep price tag!), but I believe the crap sitting under the surface has been released and once the eruptions calm down, my skin will look nicer. Right? No really, right?

Lying on the heated massage table, it was nice to be pampered. As the hydrating and soothing mask tightened on my skin, my girl massaged my shoulders, arms and legs, sending me floating into relaxation and I left the salon with a big, albeit red, smile on my face. I certainly can't afford to do the monthly facial my girl recommends, but having this facial in early Spring seems like a good way to renew, refresh and awaken; much like the vibrant green leaves  and flower buds pushing to the surface outside.

Did I really just write Spring? Spring is when it begins to warm up outside. Spring is when the thermometer stays above 50 degrees, not settling in the uncomfortable 40's. Spring is most definitely not when there's a Nor'easter preparing to slam the East coast with cold, freezing, nasty rain. pfft!

San Francisco: flowers inside and out and Finding Water check-in: week 7

(I love these California poppies, especially this last one.)

This week has been interesting. Being on vacation, I've felt disconnected from this journey and have struggled with my daily morning pages. I find if I'm not complaining it's hard for me to write and I hate that! When I'm happy and content, I make lists of things to do OR I start to pick myself apart. Certainly the former is productive but the later? So. not. productive.

I had my weekly walk in San Francisco and it was brilliant. I was in damn good shape when I lived in the city - my sore quads a testimony to the hills and stairs I power walked on Sunday. I had every intention of walking more on this vacation but instead I took it easy and I can appreciate how important that is too. Except it makes for an arena ripe for picking on myself, feh.

I find myself feeling anxious that Finding Water is going to end and yet, I still don't feel as though I've found my creative voice. I wonder where this anxiety comes from. At the bookstore the other evening, I picked up Julie Cameron's Walking in this World and I plan to start that 12 week program once Finding Water has been completed. Even though I struggle with the morning pages, I find the daily ritual important for me, even if I'm complaining. I think by relieving my angst on those lined pages, I'm better equipped to deal with my day-to-day life with patience and compassion. Things run more smoothly when I've relieved myself. hehehe.

Most of the divining rods this week were journal entries. I did use the first divining rod (reach out to a believing mirror) and emailed my friend Bee, whose words lifted me and gave me perspective when I was doubting myself and who I am.

I took my artist date on Friday. In the book, Julie Cameron suggests taking our artist dates solo and I get that. But sometimes you've got to mix it up and I spent my day with DeeZee on what I consider, an ideal artist date.

We met in the morning for coffee talk. There's something so delicious about a new friendship; talking, sharing ideas, getting to know one another. In DeeZee's company I've never felt like we're new friends, we fall into conversation like we've known each other forever and I love that. After coffee, we went to a gallery enclave in Santa Monica (the name escapes me). I loved looking at art with DeeZee. We do galleries and take in art in a similiar manner, something you can't assume. We walked around all the galleries and the last space had the most incredible black and white photographs. If I had an extra $3500 for unframed art, I might have made a purchase. Afterwards, we went for lunch at a cool 24 hour restaurant also in Santa Monica. An amazing jukebox was blasting The Pixies as we walked in and the menu sports delectable vegetarian and vegan entrees, along with the regular fare. Later we went down to the Venice boardwalk to shoot photos and get a freak show (Venice never disappoints). We walked around more than we shot, but we did stumble upon some cool grafitti (pictures later) that had messages incorporated into the designs, words that we both needed to hear. I was sorry the day had to end, even more so because we don't live close enough for us to get together on a regular basis. I'm looking forward to our next visit to Los Angeles, knowing that I can hang with DeeZee again.

We fly back East early Sunday morning. Please send prayers to the flying gods that we're safe in the sky and I'll catch you from the other coast.

The San Francisco Treat

With the silver goddess firmly strapped to my waist, I head West on Pine Street. It's early. The morning fog hasn't burned off yet, Coit Tower encased in her shroud. Turning right I head North on Leavenworth, my route familiar. I forgot that San Francisco is covered in amazing street art and I'm making mental notes to come back with my camera having purposely left it in the hotel.

Left on Clay Street, I continue West towards Pacific Heights to run stairs and take in the views. I'd forgotten about the close proximity of extremes here in San Francisco: wealth and poverty seperated by one major street, a shield against the destitute and downtrodden. I'm highly attuned to the homeless population as I walk. People are tucked into doorways and under cardboard; on first glance you wouldn't realize someone is underneath. I wish I'd tucked money into my waist pack; I have a new compassion for these people on the street, thank you Jen for making me more aware.

We spent the rest of our Sunday in The Haight. We bought tie-dye and Converse for miss A. We visited the old school black and white photobooth in this store for me, and we met M's cousins P and D for an afternoon of CD shopping for the boys and The Conservatory of Flowers for us girls. Later we headed over to North Beach for coffees at Mario's and dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant, Michelangelo Caffe.

I have lovely pictures to share but M's work computer won't let me upload so I'll have to post the visuals from Los Angeles.

Today we're doing the tourist thing: cable cars and Chinatown, Fisherman's Wharf and The Musee Mecanique for arcade games and photobooth strips with my family, oh my.

Week 6: Finding Water round-up and an artist date

Edited to add: We're in San Francisco! Dude, it's so incredible here - our hotel is a converted apartment building, we've got ourselves a one bedroom downtown with an incredible view of Coit Tower. I'm so PSYCHED to be here - even if our 6:30am flight was an hour delayed and a turbulent ride across. I didn't even have to pill!!

And now onto Finding Water...

I wrote five of the seven days this past week. I don't have a reason for missing two days, life just got in the way as it sometimes does. I also rushed through the divining rods, finding myself not identifying this week as much, perhaps my own busy agenda didn't allow for the patience to sit with exercises that didn't come easily.

I did find the time to walk albeit when I went to pick up miss A from school. It wasn't 30 minutes for myself but it was 15 minutes each way, and an opportunity to take Keri Smith up on her suggestion for documenting found objects

and appreciating nature in my neighborhood.

The next afternoon, I decided to use one of the divining rods (spend time in the childrens' section of a good bookstore) as inspiration for an artist date on limited time. Walking into town, I head to the local bookstore with a small, but interesting selection of books catering to children. Pulling titles from the shelves, I sat on a mini chair and settled in.

Walter the farting dog. I don't care how base I am, I think farts are funny. I especially like illustrations of farts and this book about Walter and his farts delivered.

Continuing with the doggy theme my next choice was,

Dear Mrs. La Rue: Letters from Obedience School. I didn't read this story, instead I just enjoyed the illustrations.

Do you know the writer Miroslav Sasek? I highly suggest you check him out. He wrote an amazing series of childrens' travel books with fantastic illustrations and amazing overviews of the featured city or country. I was excited to find This is Ireland sitting on the shelf and I spent most of my time there, carefully pouring over each page.

My last pick of the day was this fun book, Sayanara Mrs. Kackleman. A fanciful story of a journey to Japan, all to avoid piano lessons with Mrs. Kackleman. The illustrations are so fun in this book, I was reminded of my favorite inspiration while reading.

Never one to miss an opportunity to buy fiction, I overheard eavesdropped the bookstore owner talking about this book with fanfare and walked out of the store with a copy of my own.

My visit was short and sweet. I stopped at the local ice cream store for a frozen yogurt  twist, enjoying the cold goodness on my walk home.

Artist Date #5

Week five in Finding Water was about uncovering a sense of autonomy.  The divining rods showed us a way of being gentle with ourselves and gave us tools to help lift us, even when our feelings are anything but uplifting.  A gratitude list and a letter to God, a different path to walk or a different time. Taking a normal activity and changing the routine, thereby awakening a sense of newness in something ordinary, an opportunity to reconnect. The exercises offered this week makes room for the darkness that can seep in now and again. Gentle reminders of all the beauty that surrounds us, even when our thoughts feel dim.

Friday's plan was three-fold. I was going to take my weekly walk on a different route and an unusual time (one of the divining rods) and I was going to make it an artist date, inspiration provided by Keri Smith.  Friday had different plans, gray skies opening up with big fat rain drops that glistened on the windshield, left-over snow banked on the side of the road  in a dirty pile, rejected and forgotten.

As I walked in the door Friday afternoon, I knew a list of chores awaited, activities to fill the time before afternoon pick-up. Instead, I took my artist date in our family room. One of the divining rods this week suggested watching comedy when things become too dark, a way to lighten up. Inspired, I spent my artist date watching a movie in the middle of the afternoon. I didn't fold laundry or answer the phone, I just sat and took in the show. The movie wasn't great, (and I'd be hard-pressed to say it was a comedy), but it was exactly what I needed.  An afternoon of simple decadence, the answer before a busy weekend, my perfect artist date.