So it begins

After life in the city, you have expectations about car services. As in, there's always a car or taxi. In our neck of the woods, we've had 'issue' with our local choices, the car arriving 15 minutes early is a good sign.

M was yukoned off to JFK, boarding a flight to London, (and other cities in Europe), gone for the next 8 days. Normally I take the business travel in stride. Sometimes I look forward to the time alone, absence making the heart grow fonder and all. This time, I felt a little sick to my stomach when I had to say goodbye.

My OCD comes out when I'm single parenting. I have these rituals that I perform every night while M's away. When a co-worker commented that I should have some hypno-therapy (this is her speciality) to release these fears, I realized that 1) some things are better left to myself and 2) I'm probably more fucked up than I realize. My ability to gloss things over startles me.

I've always attributed this aspect of myself to 9-11. And it's true, after that day I became a more fear-filled person. Lately, I've been thinking that it's more than that.

By now you're probably wondering, what the hell is Kiki's ritual?

Instead of leaving my purse downstairs, I take it upstairs along with a set of car keys and my day planner. Normally all of these items are left on the first floor.

I have a bag where I keep all the important family papers: birth certificates, passports, important photos and the like. I pull this out, adding a pair of shoes, easy to slip into, and a sweatshirt.

I sleep in the guest room and I have A sleep with me. I never sleep on the 3rd floor where our bedroom is. It's on the back of the house, an amazing feature considering we butt up against a golf course, but it feels isolated. I can't hear anything from the street and I'm disconnected. And if there's ever a reason to leave in the middle of the night, 3 flights up is a long way down.

Clearly a woman with control issues, I worry about the what if's and this ritualizing helps me feel prepared. Certainly 9-11 contributed to paving my road to fearful. I have fears as a mama. The incredible vulnerability. The countless unknowns.

Therapy helped me through the crisis of my issues. Now abandonment and control are compounded into what if's. The recycling of my themes are more sophisticated, cloaked in ambiguity so I'm often surprised when I realize "oh, it's you again".

I'm less fearful than I was. I sleep more soundly and I'm not scared by every creak and sound when M is traveling.

Rationally I know that we are safe. My ritual seals the deal.

Comments

[susanna]

You are not crazy at all, Kristen. Everything you described doing while M is away makes sense. At least to me it does. My first thought was that you are practical and together - not in need of hypno-therapy. Speaking as someone who has been evacuating from my home at 2:30am due to flooding, I don't think there's anything wrong with being extra careful or planning for the unexpected.

[Tina]

Egads! If you're fucked up I'm right there with you. I've been considering doing most of these things even when I'm not home alone with my wee one. When we're on our own for a night, I sleep lightly, triple lock the doors, make sure the door to the basement is locked and plan my escape route. Children make us crazy, just not the way our parents joked about.

[bee]

i just want to send you a hug. so here. (hug)

[liv]

kiki, you're the most fabulous gal i don't know and have never met. the end.

[JC]

It think it's normal to have some amount of fear. You just can't let it totally take over your life. And I'm sure being a parent makes that even more difficult.

[ceanandjen]

I think that you should do whatever you feel will make the two of you more secure and comfortable. We certainly all have our little rituals, and once the motherhood becomes a part of our lives, they intensify...whatever that may look like. To my way of thinking, this just makes you a wonderful mother...it's all about the reframing. :-) I hope that you had a beautiful mother's day. Lots of love. ~j.xo

[maggie, dammit]

this is a good, good post. I feel it in my gut on so many levels.

Happy Mother's Day to you.

[Vanessa]

we have a house alarm that i've never used. it was only the other day when our car was broken into and thrashed right outside our house that it dawned on me... maybe i should get the instruction manual out and start using it! (especially when j is away!)
sending you love
Vx

[liz elayne]

you are taking care of you and yours. makes sense to me.
(and why i don't have a bag or box or something with those important papers in one place i have no idea)

[paintergirl]

oh you are so normal.

phone and numbers always are in the bedroom with me.

peace + love girlfriend

[qt]

oh sweets, i think it all sounds perfectly normal, honestly. We ARE still animals, (tho we try to remove all semblance of it), and animals are most vulnerable at rest & with child. You can't shake off centuries of wariness just because there is a golf course behind you, you know?

[urban urchin]

I think all mothers understand this fear. Plus let's not forget you lived on the West Coast for some time so it is quite understandable the need to sleep with shoes a sweatshirt and important papers nearby- I did this too- in case of an earthquake (yet another reason I never sleep nude- didn't want to have to run out of my house bare assed in my puma's.)

9-11 changed a lot of things. You're not more fucked up than any of the rest of us.

Happy Mother's Day my freind.

[KC]

Honey, I am more fearful too since that day. And more fearful with the birth of my children. Sometimes, I hate this fear.

[flutter]

exactly what jen said

[jen]

oh babe. i love you.